Self-Awareness, Self-Sabotage, and Imposter Syndrome
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen. Procrastination is, hands down, our favorite form of self-sabotage.” – Alyce Cornyn-Selby
Whether it’s getting married way too early, or spending 8 years working on a degree in a field that doesn’t excite you, these are things that prolong reaching our idea of success. It’s like we’re so afraid of what success would bring. Would it expose us? Our families? What if we crash and burn?
“If only I knew then what I know now”, is a statement you hear repeatedly in your head at a certain point in life. Through the doubt, writing this blog is my way of being obedient to my purpose. The life of a creative is a spiritual one, so believing in a higher power/greater source is significant to your journey.
The wild thing about self-sabotage is when doing this, we actually believe we are saving ourselves from something - which is quite the opposite! Psychology Today describes this to be “faulty thinking”, further stating “Our human brains tend to be wired to cling to the familiar, to overestimate risk, and to avoid trying new approaches. This tendency, known as the familiarity heuristic, leads us to overvalue the things we know and undervalue things that are unfamiliar. And when we are under stress, we tend to rely on the familiarity heuristic even more. When our brains are tired, we resort to old habits and ways of doing things, even if they don’t work well. We are drawn to go with the familiar, even when a different option offers a clear advantage.”
We talk ourselves out of trying hard because if it doesn’t turn out the way we’d hope it feels that much more devastating. We talk ourselves out of dreaming because we convince ourselves that we’re saving being saved from a possible nightmare. We talk ourselves out of the possibility achieving the very thing that may change our lives for the better! Just imagine if your life ended up being so much greater and full of love, joy, abundance, fulfillment, passion. The very thing we have “shielding” us is blocking us from what could help break generational curses. This is a big deal. You owe it to yourself to focus. Focus on your purpose. We often suffer due to our impatience.
Do you recognize any of these self-sabotaging statements?:
“They already came out with a song about the same thing”
“I’m too far behind the competition”
“I don’t think I fit today’s current trend”
“My child needs me…I can’t abandon them”
“This will take too much of my time. My relationship will suffer”
“I’m too old”
“I’m too eclectic”
“I don’t have enough money”
“I don’t have enough support”
“This will get in the way of school”
“I just don’t have enough time!”
There will always be things that happen in life that require your attention. But you owe it to yourself. I am constantly trying to make my 9 year old self proud. I owe that little girl who would shed a tear watching the Grammy’s just knowing I was going to be standing on that stage, looking out to my peers in the music industry and accepting my “Best New Artist” award. Then I would go on and sweep the awards because my body of work was so undeniably dope - of course.
“Self-sabotage is rooted in counterproductive mindsets including negativity, disorganization, indecisiveness, and negative self-talk. Perfectionism and imposter syndrome are also forms of self-sabotage.” - PositivePsychology.com
How do we stop self-sabotage? Here are a few things I’ve found helpful. Some you’ve heard before, some you may not.
Self-awareness
The ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don't align with your internal standards
Set small, realistic goals that add up to a larger goal. So you do not get overwhelmed and discouraged.
Prayer/meditation.
Positive self-talk.
Educate / Proper Preparation
The more educated and prepared you are in a particular task, subject, or field of work, the more confident you will feel.
Keep receipts! (Keep record of your growth)
Surround yourself with motivated people.
Always do your best!
Self-Awareness
I wanna elaborate more on this point. It took me a really long time to become self-aware. It definitely didn’t happen on my will alone. I have at least 3 therapists to thank over the years. I had to get to the point where I was too tired to “act” like I knew how I was feeling and why I was feeling how I was feeling. It was so much easier to numb myself. I walked around numb, but learned to compartmentalize so well I never realized what was happening to me until I had my first panic attack. First of all - you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t dying. Wildest thing to go through and have no clue what exactly it is you are going through. Anyway, reaching such a clear level of awareness allowed me to make better decisions; because I knew myself better I was able to do better.
I now understood my triggers, my fears, the things I never thought I would be able to admit to myself. I was able to see the destruction some of my behaviors caused. I never wanted to hurt anyone - especially myself. I knew I had a calling for music and the arts, but I just wasn’t sure what I needed to work on most to get to where I was trying to go. Before, when I didn’t know myself, I wasn’t aware of the types of relationships I needed to stay away from. Which habits not to form. What MOTIVATED me. It wasn’t until some time in my late twenties when I realized money wasn’t a motivating factor for me. I wasn’t aware the things I did had a direct affect on my instrument - as well as my spirit.
With this new found self-awareness, I started making, not just better life decisions, but better CREATIVE decisions. I made better song selections. I wrote more meaningful music. I expressed myself with so much more honesty and transparency.
A good way to begin being honest with yourself is to write down at least five ways you have been known to self-sabotage. It’s good to see it right in front of your face. That way you can’t run from it. Things may not seem that big of a deal when we do a little sabotage here or there. We actually tend to mask it by saying we’re “playing it safe” or making the “smarter” choice. But there’s just something about seeing each sabotage lined up one after the other, screaming at us in written form. Time to change a few bad habits. Accountability at it’s finest.
Imposter Syndrome
Now let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome. While speaking at a North London school, former First Lady, Michele Obama, gave her take on another thing that plagues creatives and leaders alike - imposter syndrome.
Referencing her time at Princeton, the former First Lady states:
“I had to overcome the question ‘am I good enough?’ It’s dogged me for most of my life. Many women and young girls walk around with that question in their minds. I overcame that question the same way I do everything - with hard work,“ , she continued. “I decided to put my head down and let my work speak for itself. I felt I had something to prove because of the color of my skin and the shape of my body, but I had to get out of my own way.”
Mrs. Obama continued sharing how imposter syndrome continues to impact her life. “It never goes away.”, she says. “It’s sort of like ‘you’re actually listening to me?’ It doesn’t go away, that feeling of ‘I don’t know if the world should take me seriously; I’m Michelle Robinson, that little girl on the south side who went to public school’.”
I felt so much better when I knew that other leaders and creatives felt the same way I did! There are times while in the middle of giving direction or advice that a small voice starts to say “Who do you think you are? Why are you speaking like you know what you’re talking about? You know there are so many people better than you, right?…The audacity!” I do my best to snap out of it as quickly as possible then remind myself who I am. Right then and there. I’m the type of person who likes to keep receipts for moments such as these. I remind myself that I have put in the work. I am operating at high-level because not only am I educated in this particular field, I am passionate, genuine, and truly want others to succeed. Whenever I perform, write, direct, act, or lend my creativity in any way, I give everything - and then 10% more. I’m proven. So YES - I belong here.
Be sure to keep a ready list of your accomplishments so you can remind yourself who you are in those moments of doubt. You can do all of the work, be the most gifted, the most attractive, the most educated, and guess what - someone out there is still not gonna like you. Just don’t let one of those someones be you.